Virago
Menstrual blood gum bichromate and cyanotype prints, blood-infused paper, human hair. 2026
These prints are an interpretation of my experience with premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) through the lens of medieval ritual and religion. By photographing my feminine form in compromised states and by harvesting my menstrual blood, I combine a subject and physical medium that are both simultaneously saturated with the omnipresence of PMDD.
"Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is a much more severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS) … It's a severe and chronic health condition that needs attention and treatment … The exact cause of PMDD is not known. It may be an abnormal reaction to normal hormone changes that happen with each menstrual cycle. The hormone changes can cause a serotonin deficiency.” – John Hopkins Medicine
Self-punishing behavior and semi-erotic devotion were integral to medieval European monasticism. In many nuns’ personal writings, there are patterns of starvation for the sake of “holy” masculinization, hallucinatory interaction with Christ’s side wound as if it were a vulva, obsession with shrinking womanly flesh, and various forms of physical torture. These tactile, ritualistic elements are visceral, crude, and sacred, even though, to the contemporary interpretation, they could be considered perversely sacrilegious; and yet, they feel oddly similar to my spells of PMDD. During these spells, I am overcome with despair and suicidal ideation and attempt to combat it with “prophetic” cycle prediction and ritualistic coping tactics. The medieval hallucinatory ecstasy and womanly connection to Christ’s vulvar stigmata, reinforced by discipline, salvation, and masochism, resembles my self-destructive “obedience” to my own reproductive system and the all-consuming, cyclical, invisible force of PMDD.
The prints, viewed in chronological order, walk the viewer through the cycle of PMDD:
Hereditary
Baptism
Virago
Omnipresence
Ode to The Sacrificial Lamb by Josefa de Ayala, ca. 1670-1684
Hereditary
PMDD is theorized to originate from long-term childhood stress and emotional maltreatment, which disrupts pituitary gland development and causes inflammation in the body. Hereditary considers the bodies of my female ancestors through the motif of Eve and the Biblical curse of her womb: how is trauma inherited? I could not control Eve, and I cannot control what happened in my childhood. What would my life have been like if this “apple” of destruction had never been bitten? The aura of God/PMDD surrounds me, not yet intervening. I am innocent and without shame before my luteal phase. The curse has not yet made it to my vulvar stigmata.
Baptism
The hormonal swell of sadness is fleshly and palpable. When the time has come after ovulation, I wake in the morning from the pseudo-death of sleep, and I am immersed in a different world. My body feels different; I am sluggish; I cannot quickly formulate sentences or remember conversations. Submersion and emersion baptism traditionally represent rebirth, but my PMDD makes me feel like my head is being pushed underwater by an invisible force behind me. I fall asleep the night before the cycle begins, and I am baptized in my pseudo-death state: I arise not rebirthed, but held under. The aura of God/PMDD fills my ears and throat, and I cannot use my senses.
Virago
“Virago” is the title that would be given to a godly, medieval warrior woman. She is not a man, but still relieves herself of her “womanly, earthly, sinful” qualities, including denying her sex, protecting her virginity, and obtaining utmost holiness by ending her cursed menses through fasting. In Virago, I have entered the “hallucinatory” state of my PMDD cycle: I am slicing myself open, wielding my sword of blood, mimicking the vulvar stigmata of Christ. In PMDD, this is suicidal ideation, unwarranted shame, and severe despair about the unknown future. The rumination is addictive and self-fulfilling. The aura of God/PMDD spotlights my self-destructive, martyr-like obedience and blind following of promised salvation.
Omnipresence
At this point in my PMDD cycle, I am feeling the weight of what has occurred. My body is wounded, and I have self-isolated for dangerously long. I have taken the role of Virago too far and obscured my identity in the darkness. I have desexed myself and feel disconnected from my body: I am nothing but a shell and a vessel. The omnipresent aura of God/PMDD hangs in the air like smoke and rests in the church-like cavity of my body. I am possessed and obsessed.
Ode to The Sacrificial Lamb by Josefa de Ayala, ca. 1670-1684
In both reference to this painting and the Biblical story of Abraham and Isaac, I am on the altar to be sacrificed. Just as Abraham was asked by God, I also must prove my faithfulness through bloodshed: it’s the end of my luteal week, and my menstrual cycle is approaching. My own hair is tied around my ankles, for I am defenseless even to my own DNA. My body is the final, perfect, sacrificial lamb: vulnerable, fleshly, sexed, blemishless, and beautiful. The aura of God/PMDD hangs above me to watch before It leaves. It will return next month.